she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
