You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
