I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
