I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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