Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
