:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
