well I can't set my house on fire every night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
