see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
