don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
