a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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