it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
