Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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