Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
