Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
