FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
