Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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