your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
