where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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