I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
