I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
