Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
