Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
