i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
