I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
