Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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