i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
