not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
