Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
