I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
