You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
