i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
