I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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