ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
