this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
