how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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