I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
