I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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