Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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