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my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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