Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
God I need to hump something, right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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