Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
