well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I met the friendliest cop last night
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
