he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
