the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
