mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can't turn off my feet"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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