My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
