i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
