Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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