he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
