its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
