living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
