Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
