Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
